Getting angry

"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things..." - Lewis Carroll
The time has come to get angry. I read a lot about grief and loss these days. I need the reminder that I'm not alone in all this. And lets face it, I'm not - there are people all over who have lost. Some are open about it and others not so much. Loss is everywhere. Grief is everywhere. I'm not the only one going through it, not by a long shot. But in my little world I am one of only a few people I know who are around my age and have lost their husband. And of course one of the 'stages' of grief is ANGER. These stages aren't linear. You don't go through one and move on to the next, never to return to the last ones. No, you go back and forth and all over the place. Denial, anger, acceptance. I go back to anger a lot though.
There's so much to be angry about. I'm angry Mike went for a ride that day and wasn't with me and his kids on Easter Sunday. I'm angry with myself for not being a better wife and for not making his life better. I'm angry the world lost a great guy and that he never got the chance to live to an old age and see our children grow and have families of their own. I'm angry my kids have no father to grow up with. I'm angry AT my kids sometimes. They seem to fight constantly and are my constant reminder that Mike is gone. There are points when they drive me absolutely insane. I'm angry that most people don't really know how to talk to me or act around me anymore. Like half the time I've got this weird disease. The 'widow' disease. And it makes people uncomfortable to be around me a lot. So they just don't bother anymore. I'm angry that at the end of a hard day, the one person I could go to and bitch to is gone. The person who made it all better with a hug and a kiss is gone. I'm angry I have to be a single mom.  I don't even think that fully describes my situation. Many 'single' parents have a second person who take their kids regularly and play the role of a second parent - so they get a break. If I need a break, I need to ask people to help - and that makes me (you guessed it!) ANGRY.
And I'm not just angry like 'woe is me', like I'm just pissed off about something. No - this is a royally pissed anger beyond anything I've really known before. I want to take all the dishes out of the cupboards and smash them apart. I want to scream at the top of my lungs until my voice stops working. I want to have a full on temper tantrum and fall on the floor and kick and hit and flail away. I want Mike back for 1 minute so I can hug and kiss him and tell him I love him. And also smack him. How could this happen? How could he do this to us? What did I do to deserve this? I'm angry at how unfair life is. No matter my blessings, this is all bullshit! Fucking bullshit. Almost 7 months later and here I am. Utterly and completely pissed off.