Christmas.... and New Years.

"We made it". This is my mantra for the year, really. We made it through another milestone. Another first. Another 'without Mike' event. Christmas was in New Hampshire, and it was a good distraction to travel with the kids (despite the stomach bug finding me on the way...) and it was wonderful to be surrounded by family and friends. Bittersweet small moments followed me. My sister, who is amazing, had a stocking for me on Christmas morning. At the bottom? Swedish fish. My favorite - and exactly what Mike would have put in my stocking. Filling the stockings and putting out presents for our kids... alone without Mike to share with and laugh with. Or complain with (especially when they wouldn't go to sleep!) Seeing the kids eyes fill with wonder as they got up Christmas morning. Sharing smiles as we gave and received gifts with my family. The kids both received a gift from Dad this year. As they will continue to get over the years. Something I know he would have wanted them to have. A gentle reminder that he is still with us, and still loves them, and is to be remembered.
New Year's was Christmas with Mike's family. That was a tough one. Some thoughtful, heart wrenching presents given and received. His absence felt continuously. To make some light of the situation, I wore a shirt his mom had given each kid a few years back that says 'Mom loves ME best' on it. I then proceeded to put on his red union suit that was given to him another year. Two things that reminded me of Mike and the holidays. Reminding us that he is always with us, as his memory lives on forever with all of us. I will never get tired of talking about him and sharing stories of him.
New Year's was even harder than I had thought, as I have awaited 2015 for so long. So ready for 2014 to be over with and the year to be in my history books. Then 2015 came, and I realized what I was leaving behind in 2014. I was leaving behind the last year Michael was here with us. 2014 will always be the year he was still here. The year the kids still had their dad, and I had my husband. 2015 is here now - a year that Michael will never be present in. All this time I was so looking forward to leaving the year behind, only to realize that as time goes by, Michael gets further and further from my rear view mirror. I'm moving forward in the vehicle of life and he's stuck on the side of the road behind me. I'm always looking back making sure he's OK and he's still there. Always have my eye on him. But the view gets smaller and smaller over time. Days go back to 'normal'. We go to work, we go to school, we go home. We wake up and do it all over again. The sharp pain of the loss is there in my rear view mirror when I look back. Hitting me like a knife in the heart right into my soul. But as time goes on, I realize that I don't need to look back quite as often. I have begun to look forward to things in life. I am reminded daily of how important it is to live. Not just for me and my children. But for Mike. His life was cut short far too soon. The least I can do is live a full, good, happy life for him - something he didn't get the chance to do. So my resolution for 2015. Ah, forget it, I don't do resolutions. I do hopes and dreams. My hope is that I never forget, in all my years on this Earth, how precious the gift of life is. And my dream is that I continue to live life for Mike. Do things he would he would have wanted us to do. If he can't be here to do them, I will do them for him.