Dating again...

So here I am. Over a year out, and I decided it was time to put myself back out there. No expectations, no real plan except to meet some people and see where it may go. I have said many times I don't plan on spending the rest of my life alone. But when is the right time to start seeing people after losing your spouse? I haven't dated since I was 25 years old. Things are different now. I'm different now. Having a relationship will be complicated - I have 2 kids who lost their dad and I don't plan on bringing just anyone into their lives. If I date someone they will need to understand and respect the fact that Michael is a huge part of our life. That I will always love him, even though I believe I can love again. That my kids will always love and remember him. We will celebrate him. We will remember him. We will continue to have a strong relationship with his family. And I need someone who is OK with this, and even embraces it, in order to be OK being in a relationship with them.
Dating again as a young widow is a tough situation. When is the time right? How far out is too soon? What will other people think? How will the kids react? How do I balance dating and having 2 young kids? Thinking about it makes me what to give up before I even start.
But the truth is, I feel it is time. It is time for me to get back out there and have some fun and meet some people. Because life is far to short to be lonely and sad for the rest of my time. If the situation were reversed, I would want the same for Mike. If I was gone, I would want him to try and find love again - keeping his memory of me alive for the kids and his love for me in a special place in his heart. That won't ever be replaced. A part of me died that day he left us - and I won't ever get it back. A piece of my heart went with him, never to be returned. But we have big hearts capable of many loves. I've heard some widows describe loving again similar to having more than one child. There is room enough for another, and you love them deeply and not any less or more - just differently. Then there are others who believe they cannot love again and that when their spouses died that was the end for them. I'm not one of these people. We all have our own paths to walk. And mine is mine alone. Not everyone will agree or thing it's right. And that's OK. It's not their path. I will do the best I can for me with my kids at the forefront of the decisions I make. I want their lives to be as normal as possible.
So I have gone on some dates now, and I have to say... this shit is tough. I enjoy meeting people, and talking and flirting. So that's a good sign, right? But it's also a constant reminder that Mike is not here. Every time I think about someone else in any kind of relationship way, his memory is there with me. Reminding me he's gone and what I lost. The excitement of starting to have feelings for someone else is tainted by this huge scar I now have that won't ever go away. But the excitement is there, and that's good too. Another sign for me that I think I'm ready to begin again.
In many ways I find myself gravitating towards guys who are like Mike. They were in the military, work regular blue collar jobs, like the outdoors and hunting/fishing etc. And I am making a conscious effort to not choose to seek those people. Mainly because I cannot replace Mike. And this isn't about replacing him, it's about opening my heart and life up again. Someone very much like Mike would just be a constant reminder that he's not here and I'd constantly compare them. So I've been specifically staying away from those guys who seem to be very similar to Mike.
What am I not enjoying? The uncertainty of it all. Not knowing how people really feel about me and not having any kind of security in a relationship  yet. Going from married to casually dating (and not by choice) is daunting and exhausting. Texting is new to me with dating. It's easy to misinterpret things and blow things out of proportion. And what are the rules for all this? How much correspondence is too much and how much is not enough? Where's the fine line between too aloof and crazy stalker girl?  When I call or text someone and don't get a response for hours should I be concerned? This is ridiculous. I feel like I'm a hormonal teenager back in the throngs of high school. And it's demanding and tiring. If I've learned anything so far it's that I'm really not good at this dating thing. And I really and truly miss the security and comfort of a steady long-term relationship. But I won't give up on it. I do believe I will find happiness again and find someone to share my life with again - someone who will be compassionate about my situation and understand how important Mike will always be in my life. And if he looks like Channing Tatum, you won't find me complaining one bit.... :)