It's been 7 weeks since the crash and now it is Father's Day. Oh boy. This is a tough one. My kids from now on will know this day as a day to remember a father they no longer have. Doesn't seem quite right or quite fair. But it's life. And no one said life is fair, did they?
"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." - Princess Bride
We made it through the day - but of all the days and holidays I think this one was and will be the hardest. This day was a constant reminder that he's not here anymore. Everything about the day was a memory; What we miss about him, what we normally do for Father's Day, seeing families with their fathers reminding us of him. There are no new memories to make with him, only what was in the past. I won't lie, I'm happy it's behind us now. And I already dread next years Father's Day. Our day was nice - surrounded by family. We did our normal Sunday morning coffee on the porch with Mike. Then we decided to do a balloon release for him and send some memories and messages up for him. I got balloons the day before and after everyone left from coffee, I decided that the 3 of us would do our own balloon release. We attached notes to the strings of 3 balloons and told daddy we loved and missed him, and let them go up as we watched them fly up to him. Of course I cried. Later in the day, we did dinner at my in-laws and let the kids play since it was a beautiful day. It was really nice. We did another balloon release with my niece and nephews and let them go (only to get caught in the trees... we misjudged the wind! haha! Balloon release fail!). We toasted him. I visited the crash site with his mom and talked to him for a little bit. I'm unsure if I have cried so much about all this since that first week he was gone.
I had photo books made for each child that has photos of them with dad and some quotes, and I gave them to the kids on this day. They weren't that impressed, but I know that when they are older they will be so glad they have them. That evening I went home, had a glass of wine after the kids were in bed, and decided that I would open up his ashes and fill the necklace I had gotten (it holds a small amount of cremains in it). I was heading to North Carolina the next weekend for Ashley's funeral, and wanted some of Mike with me to be there for her. And I wanted it ready for our trip to New Orleans as well. So I got him out, and finally opened the black box that has held him since April. He's heavy. The box is probably 15 or more pounds of ashes. The ashes are lighter in color than I thought they would be. The box has his name and a number. That's what's left of an entire person. It's unreal. I got some ashes into the necklace. And then I put some in one of his old flasks that smells like Jack Daniels still, and has his initials on it. And I put that flask on my bedside table, it will be next to me at night forever. And then I put him away again until the next time we have something to do with him (we have lots of plans for him!). He's kept in his gun safe. I'm pretty sure he's smiling about that....
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