Why

So in the midst of losing Michael and recovering from this major life event - that is in many ways unrecoverable - more loss seems to be happening around me. And I'm struggling with a lot of things because of this. Was it not enough that I had to lose my husband at the age of 32? That my kids now have to grow up without a father? A father and mother without their son? No, obviously not.

Bill Forrester

On Sunday June 1, Bill Forrester was killed in an auto accident in Pennsylvania. I've known Bill since around 2001, when I got back into rock climbing and was living in the DC area. We spent many a fond weekend climbing in VA/WV/PA areas. He was a USMC vet and a kind heart. Bill and his wife Judy were at our wedding in NH and it was so wonderful to have them there with us. He leaves Judy and his children behind. Heartbroken and trying to figure out why this happened. And in an amazing gesture, Bill's family is requesting that in lieu of flowers donations be made to our children's fund. They could have chosen any charity, any organization, anything. But they didn't. They wanted to help our family. You see, all these people in my life that I have known through the years from all different walks of life and different times I have gone through - they are amazing people. And I know how lucky I am to have them all (which really is you all reading this!), believe me I do. Many say that it's just a reflection of who I am, the kind of friend I have been, that people around me are so kind and generous. It reflects on the kind of person Mike was, and who we were as a couple. That might be true, but I truly think I've just been blessed to have wonderful people in my life (my husband included) - it's not necessarily a reflection on who I am - but much more how lucky I am to have crossed so many amazing paths over the years. I certainly cannot take credit for the kind of people others are. But I can be thankful that I've had the chance to have all these people in my life, and know and recognize that I'm blessed.

Ashley and Mike at our wedding.

So then, on Saturday, I got the call I was dreading, but expecting. Ashley Shaw - the flower girl from my wedding and daughter of my good friend Anne- passed away after a long hard fight with cancer

(Osteosarcoma). She was 15 years old. 15. WTF?!?!? The kicker? She lost her dad when she was about 3 years old. To the same cancer. How does this happen? In what world is this OK? How is a mother who already went through a loss like mine - losing a husband far too young with 2 young kids to raise - now lose her daughter to the same disease that took her husbands life. There is no explaining this. There is no rhyme or reason.

Ashley was a dreamer. She asked a million questions, and she loved to hear stories. I got to see her last month when they came to visit even though she was very sick. They had stopped treatments, since she wasn't going to make it through them and they were killing her. they had decided that for her remaining time, they would LIVE. And I'm so glad she visited. She got to see my children, who she'd been wanting to meet for years. We got to talk about everything. She asked me to tell her stories, so I told her about how Mike proposed to me. And about how we met each other. We shared stories of when she was younger and we took so many rock climbing/camping trips together. She loved to hear stories. Anne and Bill and I were all rock climbing friends - so this is now full circle. Bill loved Ashley so much, and so did Mike. She was always angelic. And I can just see Mike and Bill and Jeff (her dad) waiting for her when she crossed over. We're laughing about whose lap she wanted to sit on first (see above photo for why - she was ALWAYS sitting in someones lap!). And whose ear she is now talking off constantly!

Now to the heart of my post. Why? Why are people around me dying in such high numbers right now. Did my luck run out after some years of a 'good streak' where no one close to me passed on? I mean it's been like 5 years since I really had a close relative or friend pass. Is there something going on I'm unaware of, and myself and the people around me just are getting dealt a shitty hand now? All this love and all these amazing people who are a part of my life and we somehow get to experience loss after loss now? The cliche sayings are everywhere.
"God needed a few more angels" - I'm sorry but I refuse to believe that any God is responsible for these things. God doesn't need more people dying. I do not believe for a second that God is picking off people in my life like a friggin sniper to fill some kind of imaginary quota.
"They were needed more in Heaven" again, I refuse to believe Heaven needed any of these people more than we needed them here. However much Heaven needs people, for whatever reason - WE NEEDED THEM MORE HERE.
So please don't tell me these good people were meant to meet there ends so soon. There is no reason for it. I've always been an 'everything happens for a reason' kind of person. And I still am in many ways. But I will never, in all my life, find the reason for these deaths. Never. Because they are all meaningless and untimely and tragic and unexplainable. 

If I sound angry, good. Because I am. Angry others have to experience these losses. Angry that there's nothing I could do. Angry that they all died too young and before it was their time. They should be here. They should all still be here with us.