A friend (she knows who she is!) sent me a link to this song not long after I started this blog and said that when I was talking about Mike's stuff still being around the house, and not wanting to move it, this song reminded her of me. A big thank you to her, because I love it and am going to buy the track so I can listen to it any time.
You can hear it here. It's amazing. http://meghancary.bandcamp.com/track/new-shoes
The singer Meghan lost her fiance suddenly and wrote this song about it. She came home and called a friend and said that his new shoes were sitting on the floor and she just didn't know what to do with them. And this song is very much where I am at right now. Except for maybe the being at peace with it being his time to go. I am not sure I have made that peace yet. And is he with me in spirit? I'm not sure either. I hope he is. I keep looking for signs of him. I've had some glimpses, but are they in my head and am I just reading too much into things? I joke that he's probably right in front of me with his arms waving, angry as hell that I'm not catching anything he may be sending my way - because he always said I wasn't paying attention to anything and head my head in the clouds. I still haven't really moved anything. His towel is hanging on our bedroom door. I still sleep on the same side of the bed. I talk to him. His pillow now has a shirt he wore that smells like him, but that's
starting to fade. I can't bring myself to change the bedsheets (gross, I
know) but they are the sheets we had on before he died. He slept on
them. His shoes are all over the back porch. His lunch box remains on the kitchen cart. His work clothes are where they always were. His truck is just as it was the last time he used it, I haven't cleaned it out or moved anything. I know someday I'll be OK with cleaning up. But for now, they bring me comfort. They remind me of him. My home has become a sort of museum or memorial of Mike. And I don't want to touch or move any of it. And I think that's one of the hardest things of a life cut short so quickly - there's this instant they just aren't here anymore, and everything is left just as they had it when they were living.
Your new shoes are still sitting
In the middle of our bedroom floor
Your robe still hangs upon a hook
On the back of our bathroom door
I know they’ll come a day
When I put them all away
But for now
I need them there somehow
I’m at peace with the idea
That it was your time to go
But was it my time to lose you?
Is what I need to know
And my friends all say you’re with me
Forever now
Their words keep ringing in my ears
“In spirit anyhow”
I still sleep on the left side
Of our big old double bed
I whisper “Bear I love you”
When all my prayers are said
And I know they’ll come a time
When I leave that all behind
But for now
I need it all somehow
I’m at peace with the idea
That it was your time to go
But was it my time to lose you?
Is what I need to know
And my friends all say you’re with me
Forever now
Their words keep ringing in my ears
“In spirit anyhow”
Your guitar is still perched upon its stand
And I haven’t yet decided
What to do with our wedding bands
But for now
I need them all somehow
I’m at peace with the idea
That it was your time to go
But was it my time to lose you?
Is what I need to know
And my friends all say you’re with me
Forever now
Their words keep ringing in my ears
“In spirit anyhow”
And my friends all say you’re with me
Forever now
I believe them
In spirit anyhow
Abi, there is no hurry to clean anything up...if it brings you comfort, just leave it there (and, no, leaving the sheets on isn't gross, either!)...I did the same with tee shirts as you are doing when my Steve went away...I have my father's old sheepskin vest that used to wear building all those houses out there, and when I need strength, I pull it out of my closet and just hug it because it still smells of him and all the things that remind me of him...anything heavier that Mike wore all the time (a coat or vest or the work clothes) keeps his scent longer...No, the glimpses are not just in your head, please trust me on that...it's the little things that catch you off-guard that will let you know he is still watching over you and that his essence still lingers. What a lovely song that your friend shared... Love and hugs from Aunt Jan
ReplyDeleteAbi,
ReplyDeleteGo at your own pace. Whatever that is. Keep those sheets on the bed for years if that's what you need to do.
I read your entires often, and it is like looking into a mirror of my experience, Abi. That said, I am so sorry you have to go though this, as I did...do. New Shoes particularly struck me. I kept the sheets for a looooong time...slept with his favorite flannel shirt and still have one of his baseball caps...in fact it is his Maui cap, and it travelled this past Fall with me to Maui <3. I took Jim's massive t shirt collection, and had the kids pick their favorites.....then I made a quilt out of the shirt logos for Mandy and me and a wall hanging for Ty's room at St. Lawrence !! His t shirts of the memories associated with them
ReplyDeletelive on today......19 years later. Today is Jim's birthday...still a remarkable sweet day for me, and even more so on this Memorial Day !!! ((hugs))